Parlez vous Francais? Oops, obviously not!
Cue mutterings of 'merde,' and a lot of Gallic shrugging. (Incidentally and perhaps for discussion another time, if we get out of the EU do we get our measurements back?) And yes, thank you, I do know that there's a funny squiggly thing under the 'C' in Francais, but I don't know where it is on the keyboard, o.k! Besides, it's only French, so who cares.
Anyway, I digress.
Who said, 'as usual!' I can type and hear at the same time you know, it's called multitasking!
But I fear that I may have inadvertently misled you good people and must apologise - and quickly, before you all rush to take your protein pills and put your helmets on. It appears that we are about to learn the answer to Mr. Bowie's question very shortly - provided they haven't invited the folks who sent them the Statue of Liberty to have another play on their computer.
What do you mean, 'Which question?'
Is there life on Mars? of course.
And it appears that the answer to the poser on America's tortured brow could after years of speculation to the contrary actually be - yes!
Not little green men you understand. Or even laughing gnomes for that matter. No, neither of those would pose a problem, the human race has a unique solution to tackling the tricky question of integrating with alternative societies - it's called genocide. Or as near as dammit anyway. There are still a few Red Indians and Aborigines about, but not nearly enough to worry about.
And what do you get with water?
Yes, mud I grant you, but not really the answer I was looking for.
Ice cream franchises?
No, now you're not paying attention are you!
One of the most important, fundamental and significant discoveries ever.
O.k. if you want to, take a few minutes to mull it over.
You're no closer to an answer really are you. Shall I let the cat out of the bag?
O.k. Perhaps it was a silly question, but I don't think that you were really trying.
‘Oh no love, you're not alone!’ The artist formerly known as David Jones again. Makes you think he may have known something all along. Sadly it's too late to ask him now.
But, like I said earlier, it's life but not as we know it. Cue Star Trek theme music. Thank you,Bones.
So what is it they think that they may find?
Yes, you heard correctly. Bacteria. Apparently the little blighters are quite partial to the dark and moist - no madam, I think you might find that's a fungal infection but I know where you're coming from, if you'll pardon the expression. Try some Canesten! If that doesn't work get someone to look into it for you.
The rest of you - stop sniggering!
Now I've seen the Actimel advertisements and am quite aware that there is such a thing as good bacteria.
But, be honest, there's also some slightly nastier stuff about.
Call me cautious in the extreme but do we really want to go messing around up (or down) there to find out if it's good stuff or bad stuff lurking about on the planet we named after a chocolate bar?
Now we know why poor old David's starman didn't make it back. Major Tom was strung out on Lemsip. Not so Hunky Dory after all.
I've had man-flu on and off now since Christmas. Believe me we have enough bacteria of our own to go around thank you very much.
Just imagine - all that extra snot! At least that explains the little green man theory.
Bogie men, obviously!
And let's face it the media couldn't give a fig - if Dave's correct, and he has been so far, all the papers really want to know is whose shirts you're wearing whilst you're floating about in the vacuum of space.
So dear reader - when we have so much to sort out on our own poor benighted planet, lawmen beating up the wrong guy for example - do you really think we ought to go messing about with bugs from other rocks?