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'What is it good for...?'

21/1/2016

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O.k. let me lob another grenade into the debate which seems to be gaining momentum at the moment.
Isn't that what they call 'trending' on Twitter?
Maybe it is.
Personally I couldn't give a hanging participle.
It's a topic which concerns me now because I find myself at that time when I'm about to push my children's book into a saturated market, so I have a vested interest in getting my publicity loaded, aimed and fired in at least a general hint of the right direction.
So to para-phrase a seventies classic - 'social media, huh yeah, what is it good for?'
 
What indeed!?
Now I'm not an expert.
Thank God!
As the saying goes, an 'ex' is a has-been and a 'spurt' is a drip under pressure! The old 'un's are the best eh?
If you remember this is my first book, which is self published, so I'm not drawing on a canon of previous experience here.
But, and I've blogged on this subject before, who exactly is my target audience?
As I ripped my MS from the printer I joined Facebook. Because that's what you do. Isn't it? I had vowed in my previous life as a normal human being never to join the league of automatons plugged into their I's and androids. Apologies if that's you by the way, each to their own - it's just not my idea of fun. As soon as I became 'an author' I sold my soul, signed up and gave up my old ways to join in  the universal curse at the lack of an accessible wi-fi signal.

All in the name of plugging this tome, this sheaf of earth shattering insight. Honestly, nothing like it has been written before.
Ever!
And hopefully nothing like it will ever be written again.
Oops, is that a 'Ratner' moment? Remember him, that doyen of marketing excellence?
 
Never mind because I'm not going to sell that many with the help of this media revolution.
'Why not?' you sound strangely incredulous. 'Best thing since sliced bread and all that.'
Because I'm trying to sell it to my Facebook group, dear reader, of which you are a part. And, my friend, if you are in any group that I'm a part of it stands a very good chance indeed that you're a writer too.
And I've seen the books that you've written because you've posted them in my timeline. It's a very nice cover, can I compliment you on that at least, but it is not, nor ever is likely to be, my genre. So good luck with that but I ain't going to buy it, not even now it's only 99p on Kindle.
Sorry about that.
 
And then, once I had a handle on this Facebook effect, I immediately compounded the error and signed up to Twitter too.
WTF!
I don't understand that at all!
No, please don't explain it again - I'm too old, jaded and frankly far too uninterested to care. All I know is that in the space of no time at all I seem to have amassed an enormous following and the tweets that I recieve daily would require at least a year to read.
Life's too short!
 
And so I have me a cunning marketing plan. I'll let you know how it goes. It's hardly a new idea, but hopefully it could net me a fair good number of sales.
Sorry, what's that? 'What's is this 'big idea' I've had?'
Well I'm hardly going to divulge that little nugget of information, am I? That way we'd all be dashing off to do exactly the same thing again and creating yet another Facebook/ Twitterlike bottleneck and ending up in exactly the same mess we're in now, wouldn't we.
No, I'm keeping it to myself until I've made my first million - I'm not greedy - before I let you know how I did it. Then you can do it too whilst I'm lying on a sun-drenched beach.

I'll send you a post - on Facebook or Twitter.

Well I've got to keep plugging away at it now haven't I, just in case you're right and I'm wrong!
So one more time, let's hear it for Edwin Starr - 'Social media, huh yeah, what is it good for? Absolutely nothin'. Say it again...'


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Caught short by the throne

5/1/2016

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Hello everyone.

I hope that you all had the Christmas and New Year you were hoping for.
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I know, sorry,
I've been a bit lax in the blogging department over the Christmas break.
What's that?
You've missed me? Nice of you to say so.
I missed you too, thanks for the card by the way.

However there was a very good reason for my absence - Kate and I were watching Game of Thrones.
From the beginning.
All fifty episodes of it.
That's five whole series.

Impressive huh?

Have you seen it? It's part medieval saga, part gothic fantasy. There are  zombies. There be dragons. There is violence and gore graphically displayed. In between fighting the men pop off, down to the local whorehouse, provided of course that they've got enough working bits left intact. Must be something to do with relieving the tension! There are an awful lot of unclothed lady parts on view.
I closed my eyes - honest!

At a rare outing away from the carnage and debauchery I told my brother's family what we were doing and as one they all started humming the theme tune! They'd seen it already, so we stuck our fingers in our ears and sang ‘lardy dardy da’ at the top of our voices so that they couldn't spoil the ending.
As it turns out we wish we hadn't bothered, because how do I feel now, apart from a thumping, over exposure to telly, headache?

Disappointed really.

‘Oh no,’ I hear you cry, ‘for heavens sake why?'
It's not sodding finished, that's why!
Sky Atlantic didn't point that little wrinkle out at the beginning, did they! Apparently there's supposed to be another two series to come: except - the books haven't actually been written yet. But did they tell us that as the opening titles came up?
No!
They left that to Melvin Bragg on the South Bank Show right after the last episode. Up he pops after the ‘de de diddle diddle de bop’ cello music looking like he's dipped his head in a bucket of black emulsion – I mean honestly, he ought to be as grey as I am! Grow old gracefully, man!
‘Today on The South Bank Show,' he nasally tells us - how on earth did he ever get a job as a t.v. presenter when he talks down his nostrils like that? – ‘I shall be interviewing Game of Thrones writer, George R R Martin.’
And he did.
And George R R tells us with a bit of an embarrassed giggle that he hasn't finished penning book six yet.
He missed his deadline.
Again.
He's ever so apologetic but he's been 'a bit busy.'

What!!!?

‘So, where exactly that leaves us with what ought to be the final book, book seven, isn't clear,' Melvyn's nose gleefully tells us, as his artificially darkened locks happily bounce up and down. Don't try to kid us, Mel, we can tell when you're laughing!

What!!!?

It turns out that telly series six will be a bit of a guess. When the book finally comes out it may be a bit different, depending on what sort of mood old George is in at the time.
Well at least us poor short changed punters know what the R R stands for now, don't we! Royally Rogered!

I write as one who under no circumstances whatsoever would watch the first Lord of the Rings film until I knew the other two were completed. Call me pedantic but I like to see the finished article, rather than some half arsed attempt!
I did accidentally see the first Star Wars film - someone had it on at their house whilst I was there - but I steadfastly refuse to watch the rest until all of the promised nine are in the can. I'll probably die first, but hey ho, at least I won't feel cheated.

So all I can do now is wait for the author to catch up and then sit through the whole lot again.

Pardon?
No, it's all to do with continuity - nothing to do with lady parts at all.

As if!



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    Author

    Dave Robertson - with a little help from my canine friend!

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