Unfortunately the time has come, far too soon if you ask me - the last leg of the journey. Perhaps I could take the opportunity to fill you in on what it's like to cruise. Even if you have 'cruised' yourself, you may have vaguely been aware of, but not paid too much attention to, the phenomenon of 'sloshing.'

Sloshers are in evidence from the first moment that you enter the cruise terminal. They of course are the people who, although given an embarkation time, turn up three hours early 'just in case' and are easily identified by the foil wrapped egg and cress sandwiches, packet of plain crisps - 'we find flavours a bit harsh' - and a thermos of tea. No sugar!

Once on board, sloshers are so keen to experience the full cruising must do events that they will queue for absolutely everything. If you stop to admire a particularly fine painting displayed upon one of the passageway walls it will not be long until a line of sloshers has fallen in behind to find out what you are waiting for.

They dress in their finest regalia to shake hands at the Captain's photo call opportunity. 'Forty five pounds for an eight by four print. Such good value for money you know and he's such a pleasant young man. He called my Reg, Reginald, so refined. Of course if young Damien passes his exams we're hoping that he might have his own ship one day.'

That's not to degenerate grandson Damien, dragged along to endure this seven stages of hell, but who has cut loose and together with his new best mate, Jayden, has figured out how to reprogram the in screen on the pool deck so that they can play 'Gore Quest' in full blown HD. Everyone else watching is thinking, as another monster disintegrates in front of their eyes, how much better this is than the first Hobbit film.

Meanwhile the sloshers, now finished with the Captain and having queued and eaten in 'The Seven Seas' restaurant, - 'the soup was a bit tepid' - are now into the shows. Hence the name. Craftily cruise lines know all about sloshers and have scheduled their entertainment so that as one gig finishes in the aft Tahiti Room another begins in the forward Showcase Theatre with just enough time to 'slosh' backwards and forwards between the two venues. And, note this, they may stay up beyond ten o'clock to catch the last one, it is after all a special occasion.

It’s like some giant hand picks up alternate ends of the boat at forty five minute intervals and pours the people from the blunt end to the pointy end and vice versa. Believe this or believe it not but I swear it's true, sometimes they even drink alcohol! A chap I overheard had quite a Victor Meldrew moment. He asked for, 'A Dubonnet please.' and when the waiter couldn't understand what he was talking about came out with the classic, 'Never heard of Dubonnet - I don't believe it!'

Cruising is great - if you haven't done it already you've got to try it (see the previous Geiranger blog!), but please, try not to slosh - it can make you look like a right pratt!

I hope that you've enjoyed our look around Norway, it's been great to have your company. Please come back next time we go off on our jollies or just dip into the blog now and then - I will be trying to update it weekly, interesting stuff permitting of course.

Meanwhile, here's a photo of me post-sloshing. You can tell 'cos I've taken my tie off, but I will agree that you are correct, I do still look like a right pratt - it's my default setting. Still - the sunset was nice!

Now, does anyone know where I can get some egg and cress sandwiches, we need to be up at four a.m. - we're supposed to disembark at seven thirty, but you never know...

Bergen, last port of call before the long voyage home.

At first sight the second largest city in Norway seems just that - a city, which just happens to be beside the sea. Birmingham on Sea if you like, but with Norwegians not Brummies - thank God!

So let's get out there and poke it, see what crawls out.

First stop, the ubiquitous sight-seeing bus. A quick tour round is just the thing to get your bearings. Here on the left is yet another UNESCO heritage site. There seem to be a lot of those in Norway. It turns out that this one is for stupidity- more of that later.

Past the fish market, pull up on the dock for a photo opportunity. Up round by the aquarium, along by the fort that was built but never used, down into the centre of town which unsurprisingly is the main shopping district. Pull up at the park, another photographers must, apparently. Turn up at the concert hall, the Grieg Halle- well do you know another famous Norwegian? Thought not! Set off again, this time down past - the fish market! Oh, that's it then is it. Might as well get out here I suppose.

In - you guessed it - the fish market, it turns out that there are fish tanks, with crabs in. No, not the tiny itchy ones sir. I'd say that these were more like dinner plates, except they're a lot bigger than that! And, as these things are wallowing about, waving their pincers and goggling their stalky eyes you notice that to each one is attached a bar code. Surely they don't come out of the sea like that! Poor buggers! I bet if they had a name tag fastened to their back legs people wouldn't be so keen to crunch through them, after all no one wants to eat something they've christened Heindricke, do they!?

Anyway let's make our way down to the UNESCO bit. Funny - there seem to be a lot of folk wandering around with Metallica tee shirts don't there. Anyway, here are some nice old wooden buildings. One is a bar, so we sit outside as the sun is over the yardarm (you pick up these nautical terms cruising you know.) turns out that some of these places are not as old as they seem. Wooden see, that's the key word - a bit prone to burning down, as they do, frequently as it turns out. The last time was in 1944 when an ammunition ship was bombed in the harbour. Bit of a fire risk that. No point buying fire retardant furniture around here then, because the building burns down first. Which brings me to the stupidity bit - haven't they heard of bricks!?

Back on the ship now. Bit of noise over the road, Metallica are doing a sound check. Fancy that, it turns out that they're playing in the park across from where we're docked and sods law says that we’re about to set sail and miss it.

Oh, and look, there's a bloke on deck being a pain in the arse about smoking areas. Perhaps he's just concerned about Norway's cultural heritage burning down again, but somehow I doubt it. I don’t smoke anymore after the you-know-what, but if you do sit in the smoking area please don’t whinge about people smoking! There is another ninety percent of the boat especially devoted to someone of your tender sensibilities, sir.

Think I'll chuck the twat overboard so we can hear the concert whilst they're fishing him out!

The plan before we arrived was to give Geiranger the same irreverent treatment as normal in these blogs. But a strange thing happened.

By the time we woke we were moored up. Pretty little village - a waterfall above and the river running through the centre, took the obligatory photo from the back of the boat. Went ashore, on a tender - too small a place to dock properly. Caught the open top tour bus. Up the mountain one side - very impressive. Back through the centre of town, such as it was and off up the other side. That’s the photo that is shown here – I think you might agree it is pretty awesome.  Naturally we’re even more impressed. So, reluctant to leave, we get back on the boat and sail off down the fjord.

But the thing about Geiranger Fjord is that it is a UNESCO world heritage site - why? Because it's so gobsmackingly beautiful that's why!

The snow-capped mountains are majestic. The myriad of waterfalls outdo each other at every turn, cascading to the water below, reflecting rainbow colours in the early evening sun. All in all it is stunning!

We'd set off with classical music pulsing out through the speakers on the sun deck - you know what, it bought a lump to the throat! Kate had a tear in her eye - it is that good!

And no, I haven't taken any more photos, because that would not do it any sort of justice whatsoever. There would be no depth, no natural colour or contrast, it has to be seen, through your own two eyes in all its panoramic glory.

If you go nowhere else in your life, make the effort to go to Geiranger- I can guarantee that you won't be disappointed.

Been to Skjolden today, that’s up the end of the longest fijityord in Norway (Do they have these things anywhere else?) Very nice, small but bijou if you know what I mean. No? Neither do I really, but it sounds good. Still, we walked about a bit, down the road about three kilometres – we’re all Europeans now, miles have been abolished - to a cafe (and thankfully a toilet!) Very nice waterfall cascading off the mountains - hence the need for the fully functioning facilities, what is it about the sound of running water?

Anyway, shortly after we'd arrived coaches full of sloshers (afraid you'll have to see a later blog for that one) started turning up, strangely enough from the same boat that we left earlier. Now o.k they'd been driven around a bit and seen some snow, but essentially they'd come to see the same bit of water that we'd stumbled upon by accident. And they'd probably paid about seventy quid each for the privilege!

Anyway, enough of the gloating - fools and their money ehh! But we're back on the boat now (still trying to wind them up with that one - check earlier blogs if you don't get the joke and please try to keep up, I don't do this for fun you know. This is serious kick ass reporting!) What I wanted to tell you was that we've just passed this house by the side of the fjord. A very nice house I must say, with a barn and outbuildings. Down by the edge of the water, surrounded by quite a reasonable parcel of land. And if I'm not mistaken there was a very nice shed. As houses go you'd be proud to live there, believe me. Except...

There's not another house to be seen for bloody miles. Not one! There didn't even seem to be a road from what I could see. Going to make shopping a bit tricky that, surely. No popping down the co-op if you find out you've unexpectedly run out of ketchup.

Who the hell lives there? Even Bear Grylls would feel a bit isolated. Got to have a serious social phobia surely? I bet if you asked any Norwegian, they'd all know who you were talking about. 'Oh, that Skanky Lewdstrom. He don't like nobody, so we leave him alone, ja by golly. If we don't have doings with him he don't bother us!' And wasn't it one of this lot that buggered off to the centre of the Earth just to have a bit of peace and quiet – oh! Wasn’t it? Icelandic you say – well they’re all cold blooded too, same difference!

Strange race!

It is a conundrum that has troubled me for years, but now, in Norway, I believe that I may at last be able to shed some light on one of mankind's enduring mysteries - whatever became of the Mayan civilisation?

Yes, those funny little South American Indian chaps who all of a sudden upped sticks and buggered off to who knew where, leaving behind a few poxy pyramids and a pretty depressing prophecy of mankind's imminent demise.

Bear with me and I'll fill you in.

We docked in Stavanger (backwards! I guess the Captain was on the pop last night too and decided to do a handbrake turn.) A pretty place, quite a bustling little city really. I say city because it has its own cathedral, although not much bigger than most places parish church back home. Had a wander round, the dockside, the old town, the market...

'No!' I hear you cry, 'Not the market! Isn't Kate with you?'

Well yes she is and thank you for your concern, but thankfully the bank have blocked her card because she didn't tell them that she was going away - shame!

Anyway, I digress. Who should be at the aforementioned market but a few South American Indians selling woollen goods from their stalls. You know the sort of thing, woolly pullies with nicely embroidered geometric patterns or knitted Canadian Moose on the front. O.k - they may be Elk, let's not get too pedantic! You could also buy those knitted caps with the ear flaps and long dangly tassels that serve no discernible purpose whatsoever.

Which got me to thinking - you see I've been to Madeira, another cruise ship resort, and who do you bump into at the top of the mountain selling the same stuff 'cos the chances are it may turn a bit chilly and you left your jumper at the beachfront hotel because you never had the foresight to think it might be a tad colder two thousand feet up. You got it - the Mayans! They're down at the seafront too, roasting chestnuts and playing the bloody pan pipes, trying to flog you a C.D that you'll never play again once you get home.

What enterprise! You can't knock 'em for it, can you!

'Hold on!' Yes I know what you're going to say, 'Where do they get the wool from?'

I'm ahead of you there, I've seen a poster - you'll never guess what they have here in Norway.

Llamas!

Yes really! Woolly things that spit at you. No, I don't know how you would go about shearing a Llama now you ask, they manage it somehow, but very, very carefully I should think.

So there we have it - Mayans, Llamas and a misunderstanding, there never was a prediction for the end of Mankind, it was the date on their business plan when they thought that they might break even. Let's face it you have to offset the value of sales against the cost of purchasing, feeding and stabling a herd (is it a herd or a 'gob') of Llama's and take into account the wages of a tribe of knitting South American nana's.

Well let's face it - they were really shit at building pyramids.

Stick with me folks, you don't get stuff like this on the Open University!

We left Southampton around five o'clock, bobbed around the Isle of Wight for a bit (waved to me cuz, Mrs cuz, the cuzlets and cuzhound as we passed Gosport - waste of time, turned out that they didn't even know we were sailing) and headed on up the coast toward Dover. Apparently we passed it in the wee small hours.

Next day we're still going!

Past the oil rigs, so this must be the North Sea. Surely we should have turned right somewhere! I'm in two minds whether to have a word with the Captain, see if he remembered to switch on the Tomtom or whatever, when some smart arse tells us we'll be sailing until tomorrow morning as well! WHAT!!!

Well there's nothing for it I guess, we'll have to have a little drink. We've already toured the boat (see the previous blog if that terminology upsets you! There is a reason) more times than is absolutely necessary, so a nice cooling lager ticks all the right boxes, thank you very much.

Manchester City are playing Chelsea on the big screen. Dilemma- which of these bags of camel dung to I want to win. City score, I have a drink to numb the pain. City score again. Pint please! 3-0 OMG I don't believe it. I'b etter ave anovver lil dronk.

Quiz. Tried to cheat, honest, but it dain't work. A blubble ickle drunk please waiter - oh sorry, waitress. Nice moustache though.

Karaoke - Sultanas That Sing by Drier Stoats and of course a drinky winkykins to gib be cour, coura, carnage, oh bollocks - to make me braver. Better make that a double then!

And so to bed, after one for the road of course, hang on, make that two - I got a desperate need to argue with this bloke about the lack of merit in Liverpool having any sort of football team at all.

Stavanger tomorrow! Hope Norwegians are more understanding than Scousers!

Now then, those of you that follow this blog page know that I'm not one to moan (ok, there was no need for that! I have feelings!) As some of you may be aware we're off on our jollies again. Cruising up the fijityords or whatever.
    Caught the boat at Southampton- do you 'catch' a boat? And yes, I am aware that technically it's a ship, but I'm hoping that someone at P & O reads this and gets as pissed off about that as I'm feeling right now!'
    But I digress, it is a very nice boat, can't fault it. The food's good, the crew seem eager to please  and I'm sure that the Captain is a pleasant enough chap. All in all a pretty good start. Until...
    ...So the gang at P & O head office are having a bit of a slow day. You know what it's like, the time is dragging, it's the worst job in the world- selling great times to folks who couldn't give a fig about you working whilst they're off living it up, so you need something to liven up the mood. 'I know,' says some bright spark, 'let's nick an hour off the ship! That's got to sour the trip.'
    So what happens? You've just finished off enough food to feed a small African nation for a week. You head back to your room to relax before supper and there on the bed are a couple of chocolates - lovely, ta very much - and a note. "Please be aware that from tomorrow there is a time difference and you are advised to put your timepieces forward by one hour."
    Well, they snuck that in didn't they! And notice, they don't even have the balls to tell you to your face, they had to write it down! Do we get it back - yes, next week back at Southampton when the bloody holiday is over.
    Now I don't know about you, but if I book a weeks holiday then that's what I expect. Seven glorious, relaxing, stress free days. Six days twenty three hours just doesn't cut it I'm afraid.
    How did they do it anyway? Was our hour simply sitting around waiting for his shift to start when the phone rang?
    'Is that you,hour?'
    'Sure is bro', wassup?'
    'Just wondering whether you'd mind a bit of short time, we seem to have a bit of congestion in the schedule and we'd like to free up some space?'
    'No problem, man. How much shorter?'
    'Oh, about sixty minutes.'
    Now an hour ain't really got that much to do has it! Hang about for three thousand six hundred seconds and that's pretty much it. Not exactly onerous, is it? If the poor sod had fallen overboard I dare say that we'd have busted a gut to save it, tossed it a rubber ring, lowered a lifeboat or something. If the unthinkable had happened and the hour had drowned we could have had a very nice service, said a few kind words and tossed some flowers into the wake. But our hour! No thank you very much! The slightest excuse and he's off, never to be seen again thank you very much - 'cos I dare say that the one we get back next week will be a different one entirely!

Anyway, we're off to Norway, to find out what's so crap about it that the Vikings found it necessary to keep invading us. I'll let you know what happens.

Fair point! This was after all meant to be my author site, so it's only right that I keep you posted with what's going on.

Firstly - the children's book. Well it is finished at last, in fact I've started writing another. I'm now arranging a proof reading - to make sure that I've crossed the i's and dotted the t's, or something like that. In September I'm off to a seminar at Matador to find out all about self publishing, e books and stuff like that. Should be good - I decided against the traditional publishing route, it could take forever and I don't have the patience for that.
And then the news that I'm really chuffed about - I found an illustrator who will make the final thing look fantastic. I've spoken to him and we'll discuss the project this week, so once we've tied up what's happening I'll let you all know who it is you need to Google 'cos his artwork is brilliant. 
The current working title is DOGNAPPED! and although it has been through a few incarnations during the writing process I'm pretty sure that this will be the finished name.
Also, although this is a lot more speculative, there may be a killer marketing ploy in the pipeline - I had a brainwave yesterday. I'll let you know if it turns out that I'm not actually raving!

The sci-fi/ fantasy novel? Well I'm editing that again now. God knows how many times this is! I started it in 2009 and have picked it up and put it down so many times since then it must be feeeling sea-sick! I re-read it the other day and you know what - it's not bad. I think I'd got tired of it as it's been hanging around so long, but I've re-written chapter one and I think I'll try and get it ready to go for next year. Funny (hopefully!) but a bit controversial - watch this space.

Castle Writers, the group I joined in Dudley a couple of months ago have got some more events planned for the next few months.
We've already done a couple of readings at The Coffee Bean cafe in the Trident Centre for the Black Country Day celebrations.
Friday 25th September 10:30 - 11:30 Dudley Library are organising a Macmillan coffee morning where we will read out some of our work - I'm informed that there'll be cake!
Thursday 29th October 2:30 - 3:30 To be confirmed - a Halloween childrens event again at Dudley Library.
Friday 27th Novemer 5:30-6:30 again to be confirmed (timing may change) A criminal and horror reading event - 18+ so I'm told. Dudley Library going to be really busy.