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Pavlov's dog and Gervais's bloody cat

27/11/2015

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One of the downsides of what I've been doing lately (writing! haven't you been paying attention?) is that I have had to give in at last to the evils of social media.
Yes I'm on Facebook, Twitter and as you ought to know by now I've been blogging as and when the urge overtakes me. What do you mean you wish it didn't overtake me so often - you can go off people!
Hang on, mmnnnngh!
Sorry, just squeezing out another one.
Here it is, small but perfectly formed
.

I have to say that I'm finding Facebook quite addictive, in a purely authorly way of course. There's all sorts of stuff on there. Lost dogs. Cute dogs. Clever dogs. Dogs looking after dogs.
Oh, and cats!
Ricky Gervais has one apparently, he keeps putting pictures of it all over the place - what's that about!

And you can't miss anything on this wonderful medium.
Not at all!
No, as soon as you've trawled through all the posts on offer you find that another story has suddenly snuck up to lodge itself in-between that thing about the miniature donkey and the tragic tale of someone you barely know who has developed a septic toe.
Where did that spring from!
You're positive that it wasn't there when you scrolled past earlier. So then you have to go through them all again just to make sure that you haven't missed a performing porcupine or anything. It could be that my page is constantly filling up because I'm so popular and I have such a lot of 'friends' - excepting Gervais of course. God knows how he snuck his way onto my feed, or his bloody cat come to think of it!
Perhaps his cat only exists on Facebook? If it exists at all? Einstein would love this stuff if he weren't (probably, but possibly not) dead. Can't beat a bit of theoretical quantum mechanics, can you? Keep up, folks, you normally only get stuff like this from Brian Cox!

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Where was I, oh yes, so Facebook does take up an inordinate amount of time. To be honest I'm feeling a bit like one of Pavlov's dogs waiting for the goody bell to ring. The iPad only has to ping and I'm back in front of the tiny screen scrolling about for all I'm worth and in all likelihood salivating in anticipation. Although I do tend to dribble quite a lot anyway, must be my age!
I was hoping to write another book, but there's a feed I'm watching about bubonic plague in Outer Mongolia and I'm expecting another post at any minute.
 
Twitter. There it is in one word! Twitter! It's short. Only so many characters. To use. And hashtags. You know those # things. No I don't know what they're for either. There must be some reason. But I don't know what it is. So there it is. Twitter. Very useful. If you like that sort of thing.
I don't!
There is however one overwhelming advantage, I haven't come across Ricky # bloody # Gervais yet, or his sodding cat so that's alright... oops, sorry, running out of characters.
 
And then there's blogging. That's what this is. Good isn't it? Oh please yourself then!
Strangely a lot of writers seem to blog about, well writing actually. Where's the fun in that?
I'm going to be glued to that guys.
No, I'm not, I was being ironic.
Personally I like to blog about anything that takes my fancy. A bit more leeway if you like. Give the punters a bit of a laugh.
So if you fancy a giggle get yourself over to www.mistybooks.net/blog and have a gander. Go back into the mists of time - I was particularly proud of the classic, 'Let me just check...' back in May and August's, 'Whatever happened to the Mayans?'
Kick off your shoes. Take a look around the rest of the site. (Except for you, Jane Lovering - last time she visited she complained there were no biscuits or comfy cushions- some people! Anyway I still haven't had a chance to pop out to the shops. Don't worry, it's on my list of things to do once I get off Facebook!) The rest of you might find a few stories on there that'll tickle your fancy.
Leave me a like - if you do 'like' of course. Throw in a comment, I've got broad shoulders, I can take it. And if you feel you must, share, share and share again. I need the publicity, I am an author after all.

And if you should bump into old Gervais while you're ambling around please ask - no tell him - to do the same, he is living rent free on my feed after all.
Just don't mention that I'm not exactly a cat person the last thing I need is a bad review!
I've never been too keen on those little goatee beard things come to think of it, but let's not mention that to him either, eh?
Did I tell you that I never really found, 'The Office,' that funny? No? Must have slipped my mind. Still, what Ricky doesn't know...


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Wossy's on the phone...

19/11/2015

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Psst! Come here quick - no, you can bring that with you - I just wanted to tell you something.
Blimey, you're a bit out of breath, it's not actually that important.
But seeing as you're here now you might as well know- I'm going to be interviewed.
Yes me!
On Friday.
No, not by the police - not this time anyway! And can I just say that that other thing was just rumour and innuendo. Nothing was ever proved!
No, this time it's on the world wide whatnot by a very nice lady called Pam Lecky. She's an author and quizzes like minded people about what makes them tick.
Ha! Yeah, you're right, good luck with that then!
No seriously, it's going to be a good gig - David Robertson, in the library, with a notebook and pen - like a grown up game of Cluedo.
Think I ought to dress up? No me neither, I not saying that I'm bad looking, but Mum used to feed me with a catapult!
What's that? Really!? Not a drop? You don't want me slurring my words! You misunderstand - it's going to be written down - it's not live or anything, so a little sip won't hurt surely?
Pam's Victorian Treasures apparently, Friday 20th November, stick that in Google and take a look at her blog page. Not that I'm precious, or Victorian. Oi, I heard that! No need - there weren't that many candles on my birthday cake!
Oh, right. See you then. You're off now I'm not going to be quite the celebrity you thought, eh?
Never mind, we'll call it a rehearsal for Jonathan Woss shall we? I'll have to go, the phone's ringing - that's probably him now.
You doubt it? Oh o.k., see you then.
By the way you've left that thing behind.
Pardon? It's what?
Is it?
Eurggh!!

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Oh don't keep blogging on!

16/11/2015

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Those of you on Facebook may have noticed that there are a lot of authorish posts being bandied about lately. (Yes, I do know that 'authorish' isn't a word, I rather like to make these things up). No doubt some of you may be thinking - 'Oh Lord, not again! What's that pillock Robertson up to now?' Well 'what I'm up to,' has a reason and if you'll bear with me I will try to explain the logic.
As you know by now I've written a children's book.
 'Yes - we know only too bloody well,' I hear you say with a resigned sigh. 'Do you really have to keep banging on about it?'
Yes I do and thank you so much for that collective groan - very encouraging! I am gratified that so many of you have heard the news.
It's coming out next April.
 'Not another six months of this incessant waffle!' Afraid so, my blog dwelling readership.
You see the reason that I do keep 'banging on,' as you so eloquently put it is that now I have to sell the damn thing. And no, don't offer to buy one if only I'll shut up either, because I do need to sell rather a lot.
The self publishing process is not cheap. The artist, whom you'll all agree having seen the pictures, is excellent. But excellence does not come cheaply. The book then has to be printed, stored and shipped all at a cost to be borne by yours truly. There's the advertising, the marketing and lastly but by no means least there are the retailers.
Did you know for example that Amazon get to keep an arm and a leg of the cover price for every hard copy book that they sell. W.H. Smith and Waterstones will expect something a little less - just one limb will probably do! The publisher, Matador, would like a quick nibble of any profit which given their involvement is probably reasonable.
So that is why I would like to get the word out to as many people as possible on the off chance that I may make a little dosh myself and get to touch at least some of the folding stuff as I hand it over to the taxman.
To that end I've joined a marketing group on Facebook aimed primarily at authors. The idea is that we share each other's posts and promote each other in various ways - a sort of mutual admiration society. The theory being that the more people are talking about, sharing, or just liking any posts that we come up with, the better.
I'm also trying to get various retail outlets to take it by any means that I can, coercion, blackmail, bribery... I am shouting it from the rooftops so that DOGNAPPED! By David J Robertson and illustrated by Ian R Ward is on everyone's lips by the time the publication date comes around.

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So sorry for the intrusion. I am aware that I'm popping up on your p.c./ tablet/ phone far too often, but hey, I got to make a living. (I did create a separate author page but everything seems to end up on my personal page anyway!)
I have spoken recently to a couple of authors who are already published and by that token a bit further along the road. 'How have you got on?' I asked them both only to be met with a grimace, a shrug of the shoulders and a look of abject sadness.
Taking that response to be negative feedback in the extreme, my second question was 'How did you go about advertising yourself/ your book?'
They both looked somewhat taken aback by that. 'Well we told our friends.'
Seriously!?
Remember the American t.v. comedy 'Cheers' from some years ago? You know, that bar in Boston 'Where everybody knows your name' - as the theme song had it. Well that's what I'm aiming for, brand recognition, except in a more globally dominating way and I'm afraid that you my Facebookian (making it up again, see!) friends happen to be in the firing line.
Never mind - there's only six months to go.
Oh - Did I mention that I'd just finished the sequel? Ian - Ian, fancy doing some pictures?
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I've been soooo ill...

4/11/2015

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It's been a bit quiet on the blog front just lately hasn't it?
What’s that? You've been worried? Sorry to be such a drain on your emotions, but it has been very serious to be honest! A bit touch and go.
Man-flu!
Probably the not-quite terminal type, but as close to death as it's possible to get without actually seeing Angels.
And a hurty foot!
Yes - it has been that bad!
I've been soooo ill you wouldn't believe it. Anyway, I'm on the mend now, thank-you for your concern. I should just about be able to drag myself to the Christmas festivities.
 
So, 'Apart from that what's been occurring,' I hear you cry.
Well, I was sixty.
What really? I don't look a day past the back end of fifty nine? Very nice of you to say so - thanks once again. We had a party, two cakes, a lot of beer, a lot of people to help drink it and a famous bloke off the telly playing guitar. Joe Whelan apparently. No, it didn’t ring any bells with me either, I had to be told. The X factor or some such show. Must admit he was very good. He turned up 'cos he's a mate of Gin Annie's, no that's the name of the band we booked - not a bag lady from Kingswinford. Their drummer was off sick, so rather than let us all down they brought along yet another guitarist – you can’t fault their logic, can you? Still it was very good of them to adhere to the old adage of, ‘the show must go on.’ A good many would have used that as an excuse to put their feet up in front of the t.v., so fair play for that.
 
What else? Well the book is steaming ahead toward publication. I've had the draft press release and the advance information sheets to sign off. Yes, we authors have to attend to things like that, you know, terminal man-flu and hurty foot or not. There's going to be an e book as well. No don't ask, I'll only show my ignorance of things technological - again!
 
Misty's fine thank you, she'll be pleased that you remembered to ask. Her walks have been a bit curtailed due to my debilitating condition of course, but I'm sure that she understands - ok perhaps not!
So, that's about it then. Can't think of anything else important to tell you so I'll leave it there for now.
 
Sorry?
You'd heard what?
Oh, didn't I mention it? How remiss of me.
Well now you’ve brought it up, it is true.
I proposed to Kate.
She did say YES, just in case you were wondering. And as you may have noticed she did say it with capitals, in an italic, bold font. (You can’t keep a writer down, can you – every emotion known to man has to be recorded on the page!)
As usual I was thinking of others. After all, if you missed my birthday bash you wouldn't want to miss the next party would you?
When all’s said and done she is a bit special, but don't tell her that I said so - she'll get a big head and then her tiara won't fit!
We get the ring back from re-sizing on Friday, so she'll be doing a lot of pointing at things. Just make sure that you oooooh and aaaaah in the right places.
 
What this space - next year is going to be very special indeed!
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No - the Lo-salt and the tomato sauce were not intended for the cake. I ought to get into the habit of cropping photographs!
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    Dave Robertson - with a little help from my canine friend!

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