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The Sky is falling!
Actually it's not.
Failing may be a better word.
Better tell Chicken Little the news.
I first rang them last Tuesday I think it was, the Sky helpline that is.
You see the t.v., instead of showing pictures of a moving variety simply displayed a static message along the lines of 'Your viewing card is not inserted.'
Excuse me!?
Call me a liar if you like but that viewing card has not been touched in many a year and it has certainly not been removed from it's snug little slot. Now I am a veteran of such events from way back and I pride myself on knowing what to do when my Sky+HD (probably a registered trade mark type comment is appropriate about now - I'd hate to get sued for using its proper name) box begins to tell porkies.
You see it's not the first time.
Strangely the solution is to actually remove the offending card, unplug the box, the t.v., the fridge, microwave and anything else which uses elastictrickery. You then disappear into the kitchen and make a cup of tea - kettles are immune from the disease which can throw other devices into complete meltdown apparently.
Tea made you can now switch everything back on - ah! the reassuring hum of your household appliances on standby - wipe the offending piece of plastic with a lint free tissue and stick it. Back in the slot of course.
No. Not that way round!
That's it, printed arrows pointing toward the box, little gold micro chip thingy that looks like it's been singed around the edges pointing down.
Job's a good 'un.
See what you've done there. That's right, you've discharged the static. That's why your hair's standing on end and you're getting a shock off the shagpile.
So that's what I did.
Three times!
'Your viewing card is not inserted.'
Oh yes it is chummy!
But Sky+HD (I would insert the registered trade mark symbol at this point if I knew where to find it on the keyboard) box isn't having any of it.
So - Google the Sky helpline and review the Frequently Asked Questions. Turn off all appliances which use elastictrickery, make a cup of tea and watch St. Elmo's fire jump from your fingertips. Or words to that effect. Not exactly the answer I wanted but exactly the one I was expecting.
I rang them up.
After listening to the options - have you tried our FAQ's? The solutions there may save you a long wait - I settled down in my telephonic queue. (Incidentally - who remembers, back in the day, sending the apprentice to the local hardware shop for a long weight to see how long he'd stand there until the penny dropped?)
Oh, hang on - someone's answered.
I explained the problem.
He explained the solution.
But - I tried to inform the very nice man, I have already discharged the static three times which is why you can hear my hair crackling down the phone line.
Please, he said, just for me and while you're doing that I can make myself a cup of tea.
So I did - again!
Annoyingly it worked! Sod's law I suppose.
Grovelling apology to the Sky man for stupidly wasting his obviously valuable time and listening to his assurances that it was all in a days work and the unstated implication that he dealt with morons like me every few minutes. I hope he enjoyed his brew.
We enjoyed a good couple of hours viewing, Supervet - he's good isn't he! Then we tried something else which was so good that we both fell asleep as it started - synchronised sleeping, it should be an Olympic event. Pleasingly we have a new t.v. (thereby hangs another tale) and if you don't interact with it in a set period of time it turns itself off - clever, huh?
The next day it's time for The One Show - I know, I know, but what do you watch whilst you're having your tea?
Except it wasn't.
It wasn't The One Show that is.
'Your viewing card is not inserted.'
Well that's just a bald faced lie!
I didn't even bother to try to turn myself into a Van Der Graaf generator (the first band I ever saw live incidentally - how about that for a fascinating fact?) Oh no siree! Static free I was straight on the phone for a long wait.
And long it was.
Very.
Calls are free from a Sky phone line by the way.
I don't have one.
This is costing.
An arm.
And a leg.
Luckily I still have one of each left following my call earlier in the week.
Oh, hang on - yes here he is.
Sadly not the same guy.
Yes, I'm sorry - why the hell am I sodding sorry! - but my Sky+HD (bugger the trade mark niceties - sue me if you dare!) box is not working. And before you tell me to unplug it, let me tell you chummy that it is not, in any sense of the word, working!
By the way I forgot to mention that the hard drive or whatever inside my Sky+HD box (tough titty on the trade mark front, Rupert!) is now making a grinding noise that sounds like the little men inside that make everything work are driving a juggernaut down a gravel driveway.
And before you start let me just say that I am aware that the aforementioned Mr. Murdoch is not part of this setup any more, but you can bet he's getting a very nice cut out of my subscription thank you very much!
But meanwhile, back on the phone - I'll send you a new viewing card in the post, he says.
Partial result then.
I don't think that will work, I politely inform him, trying as technically as possible to explain the truck and garden path scenario.
Ah, he says, but to get an engineer to come and look at your Sky+HD (balls!) box is going to cost £65 call out. And what then if the drive needs tarmacing or the lorry needs new tyres!
FFS!
The card very efficiently arrived the next day.
'Your viewing card is not inserted.'
The Sky+HD (no I don't care!) box is coming out, never to be replaced.
I will be calmer.
And richer.
And Rupert sodding Murdoch can insert the card into his slot where even Jerry Hall won't be able to see it shine!
And talking of the Texan supermodel, I’m sure that she will be able to remind the executives at Sky t.v. of that little fracas that began down at the Alamo when the Mexicans wanted their cannon returned - if you want your Sky+HD (registered trademark infringement alert) box back:-
Actually it's not.
Failing may be a better word.
Better tell Chicken Little the news.
I first rang them last Tuesday I think it was, the Sky helpline that is.
You see the t.v., instead of showing pictures of a moving variety simply displayed a static message along the lines of 'Your viewing card is not inserted.'
Excuse me!?
Call me a liar if you like but that viewing card has not been touched in many a year and it has certainly not been removed from it's snug little slot. Now I am a veteran of such events from way back and I pride myself on knowing what to do when my Sky+HD (probably a registered trade mark type comment is appropriate about now - I'd hate to get sued for using its proper name) box begins to tell porkies.
You see it's not the first time.
Strangely the solution is to actually remove the offending card, unplug the box, the t.v., the fridge, microwave and anything else which uses elastictrickery. You then disappear into the kitchen and make a cup of tea - kettles are immune from the disease which can throw other devices into complete meltdown apparently.
Tea made you can now switch everything back on - ah! the reassuring hum of your household appliances on standby - wipe the offending piece of plastic with a lint free tissue and stick it. Back in the slot of course.
No. Not that way round!
That's it, printed arrows pointing toward the box, little gold micro chip thingy that looks like it's been singed around the edges pointing down.
Job's a good 'un.
See what you've done there. That's right, you've discharged the static. That's why your hair's standing on end and you're getting a shock off the shagpile.
So that's what I did.
Three times!
'Your viewing card is not inserted.'
Oh yes it is chummy!
But Sky+HD (I would insert the registered trade mark symbol at this point if I knew where to find it on the keyboard) box isn't having any of it.
So - Google the Sky helpline and review the Frequently Asked Questions. Turn off all appliances which use elastictrickery, make a cup of tea and watch St. Elmo's fire jump from your fingertips. Or words to that effect. Not exactly the answer I wanted but exactly the one I was expecting.
I rang them up.
After listening to the options - have you tried our FAQ's? The solutions there may save you a long wait - I settled down in my telephonic queue. (Incidentally - who remembers, back in the day, sending the apprentice to the local hardware shop for a long weight to see how long he'd stand there until the penny dropped?)
Oh, hang on - someone's answered.
I explained the problem.
He explained the solution.
But - I tried to inform the very nice man, I have already discharged the static three times which is why you can hear my hair crackling down the phone line.
Please, he said, just for me and while you're doing that I can make myself a cup of tea.
So I did - again!
Annoyingly it worked! Sod's law I suppose.
Grovelling apology to the Sky man for stupidly wasting his obviously valuable time and listening to his assurances that it was all in a days work and the unstated implication that he dealt with morons like me every few minutes. I hope he enjoyed his brew.
We enjoyed a good couple of hours viewing, Supervet - he's good isn't he! Then we tried something else which was so good that we both fell asleep as it started - synchronised sleeping, it should be an Olympic event. Pleasingly we have a new t.v. (thereby hangs another tale) and if you don't interact with it in a set period of time it turns itself off - clever, huh?
The next day it's time for The One Show - I know, I know, but what do you watch whilst you're having your tea?
Except it wasn't.
It wasn't The One Show that is.
'Your viewing card is not inserted.'
Well that's just a bald faced lie!
I didn't even bother to try to turn myself into a Van Der Graaf generator (the first band I ever saw live incidentally - how about that for a fascinating fact?) Oh no siree! Static free I was straight on the phone for a long wait.
And long it was.
Very.
Calls are free from a Sky phone line by the way.
I don't have one.
This is costing.
An arm.
And a leg.
Luckily I still have one of each left following my call earlier in the week.
Oh, hang on - yes here he is.
Sadly not the same guy.
Yes, I'm sorry - why the hell am I sodding sorry! - but my Sky+HD (bugger the trade mark niceties - sue me if you dare!) box is not working. And before you tell me to unplug it, let me tell you chummy that it is not, in any sense of the word, working!
By the way I forgot to mention that the hard drive or whatever inside my Sky+HD box (tough titty on the trade mark front, Rupert!) is now making a grinding noise that sounds like the little men inside that make everything work are driving a juggernaut down a gravel driveway.
And before you start let me just say that I am aware that the aforementioned Mr. Murdoch is not part of this setup any more, but you can bet he's getting a very nice cut out of my subscription thank you very much!
But meanwhile, back on the phone - I'll send you a new viewing card in the post, he says.
Partial result then.
I don't think that will work, I politely inform him, trying as technically as possible to explain the truck and garden path scenario.
Ah, he says, but to get an engineer to come and look at your Sky+HD (balls!) box is going to cost £65 call out. And what then if the drive needs tarmacing or the lorry needs new tyres!
FFS!
The card very efficiently arrived the next day.
'Your viewing card is not inserted.'
The Sky+HD (no I don't care!) box is coming out, never to be replaced.
I will be calmer.
And richer.
And Rupert sodding Murdoch can insert the card into his slot where even Jerry Hall won't be able to see it shine!
And talking of the Texan supermodel, I’m sure that she will be able to remind the executives at Sky t.v. of that little fracas that began down at the Alamo when the Mexicans wanted their cannon returned - if you want your Sky+HD (registered trademark infringement alert) box back:-
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