Remember the other day when I told you about John Gilstrap following me on Twitter.
Yes, o.k., remember that annoying conversation I inflicted on you, honestly you're hard work sometimes!
Well I've got another bit of news.
Yes it is.
Very perceptive of you.
Another Twitter follower.
Bet you can't guess who?
Donald Trump - no!
Nor the Queen.
Who said David Beckham? No, it's not him either.
That was uncalled for. It's not sodding Gervais, no. You know how I feel about that tosspot! Incidentally, have you seen him lately? He seems to have gone a bit quiet. Not that I'm complaining about that.
In fact about this Twitter thing, I am teasing a little bit.
Yes I am.
You see it's not a person at all.
No, it's not Lassie.
Or that lion off the old MGM movies.
No, hold on. You're missing the point. This is a bit like one of those animal, vegetable, mineral questions.
My new follower is not a sentient being at all.
No, not that either - you're thinking of senile.
You'll kick yourselves when I tell you.
It's an organisation.
No, not MI6.
Nor the CIA.
Why on earth would any of you think that I should be under surveillance by the secret services? I ask you!
It's not the cast of 'A Game of Thrones,' either. Don't get me started on that farce again for heavens sake!
I don't blame you, 'cos you'll never get it.
It says on their website, 'Russian railways official travel information.'
But they do.
I had a bit of a theory. You see DOGNAPPED! does take place on a canal barge.
Travel related see.
Well it's hard to tell. I did delve a bit deeper into the website but it's... well it's in Russian. All those upside down and back to front letters.
It is, I agree with you - very confusing.
Well I suppose life does get a bit strange if you live on the wrong side of the Urals.
You know what? You may have been right before. MI6 and the CIA may be watching me now after all. They probably think that I'm a spy. After all my middle name is James, yes that's what the 'J' stands for. Shaken not stirred, that could be me. Perhaps they think that DOGNAPPED! is a code book.
Strange this should happen after my old mate John Gilstrap turned up isn't it? He is a thriller writer after all. Is this life imitating art?
It's all beginning to make a sort of sense.
If you remember I did a blog only a few weeks ago about my Sky box and mentioned Chicken Little and the SKYFALLing in.
I've previously mentioned my heart attack and my second chance. You Only Live Twice - geddit? Knowing me under anaesthetic it is entirely possible that I could have screamed out Dr. No! You're scaring The Living Daylights out of me. I'll Die Another Day! And I am still here, so that does give me a quantum of solace.
Me and Kate got engaged, so diamonds really are forever. And with the next ring she'll have a gold finger. And what do I get her as a wedding present, the world is not enough.
Perhaps they're watching Kate. She could be the spy who loved me!
Gervais keeps turning up stroking his pussy. A bit Blofeld-esque don't you think.
And now a retweet from Russia. With Love? Your guess is as good as mine!
No wonder I have the spectre of someone on her majesty's secret service looking over my shoulder with a view to a kill. No doubt that'll be the man with a golden gun and a licence to kill.
Well you never know.
Oh, you do know! Sorry, I'll never say never again.
You can call me James.
Get me a pint of Martini.
Do I look like I want an olive in that!? I'll have one of those little umbrellas though. And a slice of lemon, a glassy cherry, ooh, ooh and some lime. Ah, lovely. Have I got some of that sugar from around the rim on my top lip?
Yes? Pass that serviette.
Is that better? Good!
P.S. For your eyes only, I know that I didn't get them all, but could you have done any better?